About a week ago, I was at a viewing for the mother of a life-long friend. While there I spoke to a member of my friend’s family who works in adoption services. She told me that a few of the kids that she has worked with are transgender. This led to her asking questions about my life and gender identity struggles. It was a conversation that I hope gave her more insight into the individual and unique paths we all walk, regardless of sex or gender.
About eight years ago, after 29 years of marriage and two beautiful children, I walked into confession with something to discuss.
For as long as I could remember, since about the age of three or four, I knew that I was different. As a child, for years I would go to bed praying that I would wake up as a girl. This is a story commonly echoed by many transgender people.
I am a life-long Catholic. As part of my transition it finally became time to speak to a priest, during the Sacrament of Reconciliation. I obviously knew what our church taught with respect to being gay. At that point, however, the church was still silent regarding transgender persons.
My faith has always been strong. I’ll never claim to be the “perfect Catholic”; I do make mistakes. Occasionally (but not often), I miss a Sunday Mass, and I’ve been known to utter a bad word once in a while (especially during Philadelphia Eagles football games). I do my best to be a good person though, trying to live each day like it may be my last.
I was, and still am, very confident in my relationship with my God. I knew I would be the same person walking out of the confessional that walked in, no matter what some might say or claim about me. While my “outside” was changing, everything else—my heart, my mind, my soul, and my faith—remained unchanged.
When I told our associate pastor I was transgender, the conversation immediately reverted to sex. I said, “Excuse me, Father, this has nothing at all to do with sex, this has to do with who I am. You can throw me out if you want, but if you do, I’m coming right back. This is my church too.” Father said, “No, no, we’re not going to do that.” After a little more discussion, he said, “Let’s together say a prayer to our Blessed Mother to help guide you on your journey.” I was crying as I left confession.
About a month later, I returned to confession again, this time to our monsignor, whose first words were “God loves everyone.” I cried again. Monsignor did say however that while he understood being gay, “the transgender subject is somewhat new. I’ll need you to help me learn.”
I’ve been blessed. While I had a very positive reaction from my priests, I know others who have experienced the complete opposite: they were told that they are sinners, evil, or that they’re not Catholic. One of my best friends was even physically carried out of church after being refused communion.
Before the coronavirus shut things down, I had lunch with a local priest who baptized my grandson. He wanted to learn more. One of the first things he asked was if I was ever physically or sexually abused when I was young, because it was his understanding that people become transgender as a result of abuse. I have never been abused.
About a year after my transition, our monsignor asked if I would be interested in becoming a Eucharistic Minister. Shortly thereafter we also started an LGBTQ+ Ministry in our parish.
It was through this ministry that I became aware of other similar ministries across New Jersey, Pennsylvania and New York. Covid introduced the world to Zoom, and this technology has allowed so many people across the country and the world, to become acquainted and to share stories. I’ve met so many loving, kind, wonderful Catholics whose only “fault” is that they happen to be LGBTQ.
About four years ago, I was invited (along with 17 gay and lesbian Catholics, supportive clergy, and parents) to dinner with Cardinal Joseph Tobin at his residence in Newark, NJ. It was a beautiful and amazing evening. I have been blessed.
I often wonder however, what is it about me that my church fears and singles us out? Why am I and the transgender community selectively targeted as “seeking to destroy the family and the world” as some define it? Nothing could be farther from the truth.
I understand our faith says that “God made them male and female.” But God made a whole lot more, and everything in between. Our world, science, technology, even our church, has changed over time. Today’s science asserts that something can happen in the womb, between the body and mind, causing a misalignment between the two. I don’t often quote science though. I just know that “I am,” that God made me this way, and that God made me this way for a reason.
I don’t wake up in the morning thinking about being transgender. Our lives are no different than anyone else’s. We live, we work, we pray. We have families.
We ask simply to be accepted and a part of our church, no better nor worse than divorced Catholics, or Catholics who may not follow strict church teachings, who are not condemned like transgender people are.
Pope Francis has spoken out for lesbian and gay people saying they have no choice in the matter, that “they are who they are.” I pray that someday Pope Francis will understand and can say the very same thing about transgender persons.
We are not an ideology. We are not a threat. All of us are a part of God’s great universe, made in the image and likeness of God, a God who is neither male nor female.
