Editor’s note: This essay was published in conjunction with a reflection by Flora Tang, entitled, “An LGBTQ Catholic reflects on the complexities of going to confession.”
If you are a member of the LGBTQ community, and you would like to talk with a priest or a pastorally trained person, but have no idea how to find them, you are not alone. You’d like to talk with someone about the state of your life, about your struggles, about your need to decide some matters. You hope to talk with someone wise—not a therapist, but someone with whom you can talk about your faith, your hopes, your loves. You may be wondering if you just need a confessor (if you want your sins forgiven), or you may simply want someone to talk with (an occasional or regular spiritual director) or you may want someone who can be both a spiritual director and a confessor.
Let me be clear at the outset, if you are looking for a confessor, then in the Roman Catholic Church, you need to find a priest to hear and forgive your sins. Only a priest can sacramentally do that.
But let me invite you to read on about who you might really be looking for.
Searching for an interlocutor, someone with whom we can converse about our relation with God in Jesus Christ, has been a Christian practice for centuries.
Much like the laity, we priests also go looking for such an interlocutor, someone trained in pastoral ministry who can listen to us, accompany us and provide wisdom. In every diocese there are priests, nuns or lay ministers who have wonderful reputations as wise listeners. We call them spiritual directors.
We may see a spiritual director on a regular basis, once a month, or less occasionally. Similarly, we might also want to see someone every now and then for confession. Because we only confess to priests, some of us find ordained spiritual directors who can also administer the sacrament. Others find non-ordained religious or lay spiritual directors and then ask our spiritual director who their other spiritual directees see for confession.
After looking around, we settle on someone and ask for a meeting with them to get a sense of how such a conversation with them would go.
If we like the person and find the conversations enriching, we ask them if we can meet regularly. I meet with my spiritual director once a month; he’s a priest who has been my director for the past ten years. Before him, my director was a woman religious. They have been essential for my life.
Searching for an interlocutor, someone with whom we can converse about our relation with God in Jesus Christ, has been a Christian practice for centuries.
Looking for an Anamchara
In a book that might not be a best-seller, The Irish Penitentials and Their Significance for the Sacrament of Penance Today, Hugh Connolly tells the story of how in early medieval Ireland, long before other cultures, Celtic monks, priests and nuns searched for, found and engaged such spiritual companions. They called the one they were looking for an anamchara, a Gaelic word which literally means a “soul-friend.” Within monastic systems, they were recognized as such.
An ancient Irish saying goes that “anyone without a soul-friend is like a body without a head.” Every monk and nun was expected to have an anamchara to whom they could make an account of the state of their soul—what was called, “a manifestation of conscience” (manifestation conscientiae).
Connolly’s study shows us that people weren’t looking simply for confessors, but rather they wanted what today we call “spiritual directors”: people who accompany others not just in their avoidance of sin but in their pursuit of promoting the Kingdom of God.
The anamchara was then a fellow pilgrim on the “same pilgrim path.”
The role of the soul-friend was not, then, a judicial one; rather the anamchara was a guide to accompany the individual through the trials of life. The encounter between the soul-friend and the individual aimed at a dialogue that “was neither contractual nor constraining but which bore testimony…to a God who was always willing to forgive.” The dialogue therefore was a “healing” one. Of course, these were occasional, but highly esteemed meetings.
For this reason, the anamchara was to be hospitable, welcoming the weary nun or monk on her or his journey so that the individual could manifest her or his conscience. The anamchara was then a fellow pilgrim on the “same pilgrim path.” The hospitality that the anamchara offered was solidarity, support for the pilgrim to continue their journey to God.
In many ways, the anamchara is one who, as Connolly writes, “comes through the fire of real suffering and self-sacrifice while at the same time, growing ever more open to the saving forgiving grace of Christ, and one who always reserves in his heart, a sincere hospitality for the stranger, the fellow-pilgrim, the fellow-sufferer.”
Finding an Anamchara
Besides asking friends whether they have a good spiritual director, you could also try to find one on your own.
Start with your local parish. You might want to see whether your parish is interested in explicitly welcoming you and other LGBTQ people.
I have been working in the same parish on Sundays now for 33 years. About 15 years ago they began reading the following statement on the first Sunday of every month before Mass:
No matter what your present status in the Catholic Church, no matter what your current family or marital situation, or sexual orientation, no matter what your current personal history, age, background, race, no matter what your own self image, you are invited, welcomed, accepted, loved and respected here at Saint Peter Parish. We are here to welcome and serve you.
Many parishes have such a statement and print it in their bulletin. If they have one, you should be able to find it on their website by searching “welcome” on their site.
I never thought that such a statement was necessary, but to tell you the truth, my parishioners love it. It allows people to share in the life of the parish without second-guessing.
This is one good indicator, but just because a parish doesn’t have one does not mean it’s not welcoming. So, see how welcoming a parish is by attending their Masses and observing how they greet you as you come and go.
If you try your local parish and do not feel comfortable, then feel free to see what neighboring churches there are, check with friends, and check other parishes’ websites for indications of welcome.
Getting to Mass
Finding an anamchara will be more successful if you participate in Sunday liturgy. In particular, look out for a Mass around 11 a.m. or 5 p.m. That’s generally when people find a well-planned liturgy with good music and good preaching. At some parishes you’ll experience that at every Mass; others focus on the 11am.
See if the priest“speaks” to you in his preaching and presiding over the Mass. Perhaps there’s someone else; someone who you’ve met in the parish who seems wise, who gives you a sense of being a companion. When you find such people, you should become a member of the parish community, especially through regular attendance at the Sunday liturgy.
I will say that if I’m approached by anyone, particularly those I am greeting at the end of the liturgy, I usually ask them to wait until I’ve greeted everyone to talk with them. Then, I see what they want to discuss.
I pray that you will find a person who can accompany you on your journey to the Lord.
You do not have to have magical words to speak; in fact if you asked the priest, for instance, if he’s an “anamchara,” he would likely have no idea of what you want. You could though say, “I’d just like to talk with a priest, nun, or lay minister about a matter in my life, about how my life is going before God, about wanting to be closer to Jesus Christ.”
When you speak words like this to some pastoral leader in your parish, you know you are on your way to finding an anamchara.
If you find one who is a priest, perhaps he could hear your confession as well.
I pray that you will find a person who can accompany you on your journey to the Lord.
