The holiday season, while festive for many, can also amplify the unique challenges faced by LGBTQ Catholics. The intersection of religious, familial and cultural expectations can make this period particularly daunting. As an LGBTQ Catholic, or a non-religious LGBTQ person who grew up in a Catholic family, you might find yourself facing not only the general stress that comes with holidays, but also specific pressures related to your sexual orientation or gender identity.

Understanding Common Challenges

Each LGBTQ person’s experience during the holidays is deeply personal and varies significantly based on several factors. In my work as a psychologist who specializes in working with LGBTQ folks, I have supported clients through a vast array of challenges that come up when clients connect with their family of origin and church community. 

It is important to note that the phrase “LBGTQ Catholic” encompasses a wide range of experiences, and it may be helpful to consider some of the facets of your experience that may lead to increased stress. 

Related: A guided prayer for LGBTQ Catholics struggling through the holidays

For example, are you out to your family? Do your loved ones condemn, ignore, tolerate or embrace queer identities? What are the political views of your loved ones? Are you bringing home a romantic partner or partners? Do you have children?  What is the cultural context of the environment you are spending time in? What is your current relationship with the Church? Do you pass as straight? Do you have a supportive chosen family or friends nearby? 

I have found that it can be helpful to reflect on these factors before you go home, as you will be more mindful of how the intersection of these elements will shape your experience on a day-to-day basis.

While there are a variety of challenges that LGBTQ people of faith come up against during the holiday season, there appear to be some consistent themes that continue to surface year after year. Unfortunately, LGBTQ Catholics are frequently in a position where they are directly (or indirectly) confronting exclusion or judgment based on sexual orientation or gender identity.

Common challenging experiences include overhearing hurtful comments about LGBTQ people, feeling unable to be authentic because it is unsafe to do so or dealing with the internal conflict of guilt or shame about one’s identity. Furthermore, LGBTQ Catholics are frequently managing feelings of loneliness or isolation. Others may be preoccupied with fears of being outed, believing that their identity will cause their family and friends to feel disappointed or sad. Finally, some LGBTQ Catholics are angry and have difficulty sitting with feelings of frustration and resentment from being in environments that may not affirm LGBTQ identities.

If you’re reading this and related to any of these themes, you know it can be very difficult to be in your shoes. I want to state that I have written out these various experiences to demonstrate that you are not alone—other people are experiencing similar thoughts and feelings—sometimes, in silence.

Evidence-Based Strategies for LGBTQ Catholics

The good news is that there are many strategies that you can use during these challenging times. Some of my favorite strategies are from Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), an evidence-based approach to therapy that helps clients regulate emotions and improve relationships.

Cope Ahead with a “Holiday Survival” Kit

If you talk to a DBT therapist about what to do if you are going to find yourself in a challenging position, they will tell you this: Cope Ahead. Preparing yourself is one of the best things you can do before heading home for the season. A specific strategy many of my clients use is creating a personal “Holiday Survival” kit. To use this skill, you will first want to locate a container (i.e., Tupperware, shoebox, folder, etc.). Feel free to get creative and decorate whatever container you choose! Fill your “kit” with comforting objects, an index card with the name of a personally curated music playlist that lifts your spirits, the contact information of supportive friends or a counselor, and affirmations or prayers that validate your experience. This kit can serve as a quick source of comfort and grounding in moments of distress.

Pause and Take Mindful Action (DBT STOP Skill)

When you are in an activating situation, S.T.O.P. what you are doing. Techniques like the DBT S.T.O.P. Skill (Stop, Take a Step Back, Observe, Proceed Mindfully) can be particularly useful in managing acute stress and avoiding reactive behaviors. 

When you are observing your internal experiences in your moment of pause, ask yourself:

• What emotion am I experiencing?
• What physical sensations am I experiencing? (e.g., nausea, tension, pounding, etc.)
• What thoughts are most present?
• What do I have the urge to do?

Once you have taken a moment to pause, you can Proceed Mindfully. In other words, make a choice that aligns with your values rather than letting emotion dictate your actions.

Set and Enforce Boundaries

It is always important to set boundaries with family members and friends, and it is critical to set these limits when people in your life are engaging in behaviors that may cause you harm. Clear boundaries help protect your emotional well-being. I encourage people to be intentional about where their limits are before going home. For example, how much personal information are you comfortable sharing? How will you handle unsupportive or invalidating comments? What events are you willing to participate in?

If you need to discuss sensitive topics, such as your identity or boundaries, use the DEAR MAN technique. This method helps communicate effectively by focusing on describing the situation, expressing your feelings, asserting your needs and reinforcing your message in a way that fosters understanding and respect. If you know that you will need to have a challenging conversation with a loved one, prepare a DEAR MAN script ahead of time so that you will be prepared.  (DEAR MAN stands for Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, Mindful, Appear Confident and Negotiate. You can read more about this technique here.)

Get Support

Many LGBTQ Catholics feel alone in their experience, which is an extremely painful way to live. In my experience as a queer psychologist, I have found that while many of us feel alone in our experience, there are usually others who are navigating similar challenges. When we connect with folks with shared experiences, it reminds us that we are not alone.

Support is everything, and community is accessible. The ability to find and ask for support is the building block for all other coping strategies. What does this mean for you? Identify people who support and affirm you, whether friends, family members, partners or members of a spiritual community. Speak to them before the holidays and let them know about your fears. Ask these supportive people if it is okay to reach out to them if you need to talk or seek advice if challenges arrive while you are home. If you are struggling to think of supportive individuals, consider joining LGBTQ support groups where you can connect with others who share similar experiences. You can even locate groups that are specific to LGBTQ Catholics.

You’ve Got This

I know that navigating the holiday season as an LGBTQ Catholic involves balancing respect for your faith and cultural traditions with the need to affirm and protect your identity and mental health. While it is a tricky spot, you are resilient and can face these challenges head-on. Know that you are not alone in your experience, and set yourself up for success by coping ahead.

If you use these strategies, you may even find that you’ve had the best holiday season yet!